I am just so sad today. I’m having a really hard time functioning at work and getting anything accomplished so I thought I’d write out how I’m feeling.
I miss Caleb something terrible and my heart just hurts so badly. I know he is doing what’s right. I know he made his own decision and it’s the right thing to do and I know I should feel so incredibly blessed that he is doing such a good thing by going on a mission, but I can’t help how so horrible I feel inside. I am just hurting and can’t stop crying at the littlest things. Each day I peek in his room just to see if he might be there sleeping, which is usually how I found him each morning. Each day I see his car at the house and for a moment think he is home. I can’t go through two years of this sadness. Does it get better? I hope so. It has to. I am grateful he is alive. I feel badly for anyone who has lost a child to death and has to wait until the resurrection to see them again. I feel like this is forever, I feel like I won’t see him again and anyone that says that two years will go fast and I’ll see him soon doesn’t really know that. What if he is taken from me and the last memory I have of him is seeing him off at the airport?
I’m overwhelmed at work, at home, at bills, at everything and I just want to feel better. The laundry is piled up and so are the dishes and I have lazy teenagers who have to be threatened at groundings just to do their jobs so instead of fighting with them it’s just getting horrible at home this week and it’s only Tuesday. I can’t imagine what Saturday will look like if this laziness continues.
I know if I could just go out for a run I’d feel some peace and comfort and able to deal with my pain right now a little better, however I have a sprained ankle so I have to R-I-C-E it right now and that is making it so I can’t do any hard impact working out.
I just want to feel better and stop crying.
It all started with Michelle Lewis from Ohio, and Jason Clark from California. We met on a bus in Chicago in January of 1992. This is a blog that documents our crazy life.
5 comments:
im so sorry!!! I cant imagine what it would be like to have a son gone on a mission. Maybe making him some cookies will help you feel better. You can freeze them and then mail them!
Michelle,
I promise that the absence of Caleb will get better - especially after you get your first "real" letter from him. You will watch him grow into something far better had he just stayed home. You will see depth to his soul. You will feel his joy. You will see his sorrow when someone rejects the gospel and you will feel his discouragement but this is when you will step up and encourage him to do what's right and you will be able to put your own feelings aside for the greater good.
It hurts every time one of my children moves away. Some days I feel very sad, too, at my inability to rush to their sides or go play with their kids when they are far away -- but they are living their lives as they want to and should. Mothers learn to hide their own feelings and they learn to support their kids. In doing that, you will feel joy.
I PROMISE that when you start getting regular letters from Caleb, the hurt will subside and you will feel bone-deep joy in what he's doing.
I am just on my way right now to take a small package of black bottoms and letters up to mail off to him.
Hang in there. Ask the Lord to heal your heart and He will.
I am sorry Michelle. You can call me any time you want. I DO very, very much understand the pain and sadness you feel. Like Mom said, it does get better with time. Though, I don't think you have to hide your feelings. It's ok to admit that it hurts and that you miss him. Of course you are so proud of his choice and in supporting him you are doing the right thing. But it's ok to be sad. Love you.
I'm so sorry that you're having a hard time. It's completely understandable though. I felt like that each time that my husband had to leave for a deployment. I remember having to pull over to the side of the road after dropping him off at the airport. I was crying so hard I couldn't see. I ended up spending quite some time on the side of the road just screaming out loud and crying. I felt like my heart was going to break in two. It really is a physical pain huh? I promise it will eventually fade. You will have your moments, but they will be fewer and farther between. I love you! Hope you start feeling better soon. I'm sorry you can't run right now. That sounds like it could be something that could help your spirits. Hopefully your ankle will heal soon. Miss you!
Lindsey
Thank you so much for all your nice comments. I am feeling so much better today, in fact I feel so blessed for the following things: a great family, an awesome supportive extended family, a son who made the important decision to serve others and teach the Gospel for two whole years. My healthy body. My house with electricity that is working. Lastly a loving Heavenly Father who loves all his children unconditionally.
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